Holy lack of posting, batman…yeah, well this ain’t one of those, “sorry, guys, I haven’t been posting posts.” Well, kinda it is. It’s really just my excuse. Here’s my excuse. Fucking depression. If I ever manage to feel good a few days in a row, you can bet your ass something will happen to bring me down again. And what with the way my depression (bi-polar-ish) works, I stay down a few days. I’m not that good at processing emotions, so says my therapist. It’s true.

So anyhow, the Rupert thing has had me up and down and back up a bit, then way down again, for more than a week now. She was doing really good for a few days there, but now she’s not doing good again. For the last 2-3 days she hasn’t been able to get up on her own, and even when I help her…she can’t seem to stay up. And it freaks her out. The other night, I found her whimpering in a corner, soaking wet with pee, and the entire foyer floor was covered in it. I think she may have tried to stand up, couldn’t, got freaked out, peed on herself, then drug herself around on the floor. By the time I got to her, she was just a mess. The remedy was not comforting to her either. My husband helped me get her in the tub and I got her washed off, but she hates being picked up, restrained, bathed…all of the above and we were doing it to her. By the time I got her out and dried off, she was shaking and upset, and so was I. She seemed a little better the next morning, but not much. She has good moments, but they’re getting fewer and farther between.

I’ve got a message in to our vet. I plan to tell him how she’s been since last week when we saw him and she got the new pain pills, how she was better, and is now bad again…and ask him what other things there may be to try for her. I have the feeling, based on our last visit, that there’s not much else to give her. It’s kind of a matter of how much longer I can stand to see her like this. If he says there’s nothing else medically we can try, I’ll make an appointment to have her euthanized on Friday morning. We’re going camping that day, so I can just try to relax and deal with my feelings all weekend…then come home to an empty house on Sunday. *sigh*

I’m in the process of adjusting my medication and that has the potential to help, but it’s also difficult for me to transition through. Lowering the dose of one of my meds always gives me terrible dizzy spells and my mind feels out of control. And raising the other one which tends to agitate me. *shaking head* fucking depression. I hate this. I’m a week into it, and its getting better, but it’s been a bad week.

So yeah, not a great week.